I am not a very forgiving person. I do not forgive. I do not like to forgive.
Sure, yes, to some degree, forgiving someone gives you relief. At least that’s what years of studies, my country’s Eastern norms, and my personal religious belief preached to me about.
All my life, I have been struggling with surviving. Surviving isn’t living. I’ve never had the best picture-perfect childhood, nor a calm and peaceful family. I’ve had a hard time finding who to trust and who does not.
These people have asked for forgiveness, and it disgusted me to say that I tried. For so many months and years, I’ve tried so hard to let it go and move on with my life. I’ve thought, “Maybe forgiving them would make me a bigger person,” while in reality, I still am stuck in this hole of uncertainty and ambiguity. Society kept pushing me into giving them more and more chances, while in actuality, it’s never that easy.
So, why would I have to forgive them? After everything I’ve been through? Yes, sure, keeping hatred and negativity towards others sounds toxic, but it is my right to forgive them or not. Forgiveness should benefit me, and not the other party.
After everything, I personally wouldn’t want them to come back to me one last time and say the little word of ‘sorry’ and use me as a tool so they can feel good about themselves. Would you?
From there, I decided to free myself from this ‘obligation,’ like, “Hey, maybe we shouldn’t forgive each other and let just things end the way they did?”
If we ever fall out then, so be it. I will not make amends. Who says life is too short to hold grudges? I’ve got enough time to not forgive you, no worries. Listen, it’s fine, we do not need any closure or peace. We can just accept the fact that we’re always on the opposite sides of the road. We can accept the fact that some things aren’t meant to last, like whatever our relationship was, although I’ve always wished that you’ll treat whoever comes after me better than you’ve ever done.
And no, I am not talking about one of those friends who fall apart because you move to another country, another school, another university, another job, or another something. These are the kind of friends who, even after years, will always share the same bond with you. You would still have so much to talk about when you reunite.
I’m talking about those who left you scarred for life. Those who left a big, irreplaceable chunk in your heart. Those who left you with so many trust issues and emotional baggage to deal with. Those who left you thinking that you do not deserve a loving and healthy relationship because you’re a poison and everything you touch turns into one. Those who do not respect your boundaries.
At the end of the day, you could never please anyone. No matter how hard you tried, some people would expect something different coming from you. So, why bother? You’re always the antagonist of someone’s story, but a blessing in others’. Cherish those who appreciate you and don’t bother.
Besides, it’s all about perspectives and which side of the story you listen to. If you’ve ever heard my ex’s side of the story, you’d think I was a toxic and maniac one while all I’ve ever tried was protecting what was mine because I’ve seen it too many times. If you’ve ever listened to my mom’s story, you’d think I’m some coward who left his sister and his mother when they needed him the most.
Who to believe? I’ve never said forgiveness is a bad thing to do, but just don’t let anyone pressure you into doing so. And next time, maybe stop saying “It’s fine” whenever someone comes begging for it. It always triggers a pattern of repeated behavior. Get your shit together.